| Everything on this page is copyright © 1999 by Faruk
Ates. All rights reserved. That means: please don't take my work without asking! Revised: 03 apr 1999. |
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"Places everyone!" yelled Cid into a megaphone that he had stolen from Cait Sith.
"Hey Cid, give me back my megaphone!" yelled Cait Sith. Cid tried to hide the megaphone behind his back and look innocent. (hey can anyone actually picture Cid trying to look innocent? I didn't think so) This, rather pathetic, attempt failed and Cid got bopped on the head by Cait's mog, who also took the megaphone back.
Cid, looking annoyed, stood up and began to open his mouth to repeat his previous statement.
"Everyone is in their places Cid" interrupted Vincent, sighing. Cid looked around and saw that, much to his surprise, everyone was in their places. However, Cid did not feel like giving Vince any credit so he chose to ignore him.
"Shut up you #$%* vampire. Hmmm, everyone seems to be in....wait, where the @#$& is Sephiroth?" He suddenly shouted. Everyone looked around and saw that Sephiroth was indeed missing, which was odd, since this was his big scene. At that moment Tifa came in.
"He's in the janitor's closet that he commandeered to be his dressing room, and he says he's not going to come out until his part is changed, and he gets a new costume. Oh, and he says that he still thinks he should be the prince instead of Cloud." she explained. Everyone groaned.
"Great, just @#$%in' great." muttered Cid. "Next thing you know...."
"shutupshutupshutup" interrupted Cait Sith. "Saying stuff like that is bad luck, you idiot, remember when you said 'next thing you know the scenery is going to fall down' and then it did? Then there was the time you said 'next thing you know all of the lights will stop working' and they did. And then at one point you said 'next thing you...." he would have continued his rant, but the men in white coats that the group kept around in case Damodred showed up decided that it would probably be a good idea to take him away.
"I hope he regains his sanity in time to be able to play his part." said Aerith, with a concerned look in her eyes.
"Can we please start rehearsing?" asked Cid, displaying a rare lack of profanity.
"No, Sephiroth still isn't here, remember?" said Vincent. "Maybe you're going senile Cid, these things happen to old people."
"You're older than I am you #@%$ freak!" yelled Cid. "Oh, wait....I forgot, you're a vampire so it doesn't count." he stated somewhat contritely (but not very, it was more mocking, ya' know?).
"I am NOT a vampire." said Vincent, his eyes beginning to glow red. Cid hastily backed away from Vince, stammering apologies as he went. Seeing that Vincent's eyes were not ceasing to glow, he decided to try a different tack and beg for mercy. (I think we all know what's coming next)
"Grovel." growled Vincent. Cid did so and for the next couple of minutes everyone savored the sight of Cid groveling. After around...oh...half and hour, Vincent finally allowed Cid to stop groveling and everyone got back to the problem at hand, i.e. Sephiroth.
"I can't believe him, it's not like his part is that bad, I mean i have to be an evil stepsister and so does Red, but do you see us complaining? noooooo. I swear, he is such a little baby." whined Yuffie in an amazingly valley-girl-like voice, who, contrary to what she had just said, had been whining about having to be the stepsister all afternoon.
"Yuffie, we already went over this," said Cait Sith, "the stepsister has to be an ugly spoiled brat...we just thought that you should have a role that would come naturally to you." he finished. Amidst the sound of snickers from everyone else, Yuffie stalked over to Cait Sith and bashed him on the head with her shuriken, then stalked out in a snit (not to be confused with a snot, which is much more messy).
"I would like to know the reason for subjecting me to this extremely embarrassing indignity as well." spoke up Red who was hiding under a table for fear that someone might actually see him in a dress. He had his fur nicely combed and his mane tied with a bow, to complete this lovely ensemble he had on a very nice green dress which Yuffie had grudgingly donated for him to wear.
"Weeeeeellllll, you couldn't be anything else, there were no more female's to play the part and we didn't feel like letting you off the hook like Vincent and Cid over here." Cait said more or less in one breath.
"Yeah, we couldn't have Vince freaking all of the kids out like at that Halloween party." said Tifa, glowering at Vincent, who tried, and failed, to look contrite. "And we decided that Cid was to old and decrepit to possibly learn a part in time, not to mention we'd probably get sued by the kids' parents if we let him go up with that foul mouth of his." At this Cid opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, he mysteriously vanished, cos I'm tired of having to write profanity in my fanfic, and besides, the parental units get really annoyed if I do.
Incidentally Vincent is now the director (since I'm the author I don't have to use quotation marks when I talk) was heard coming from one of the trees in the scenery.
"But I don't want to be the director." protested Vincent. He then noticed that the tree seemed to be glaring at him and hastily shut his mouth (there are limits to how far authorly favor, or whatever it's called, can go). Amazingly enough, he did not mutter any smart comments.
"Ok fine, let's just skip the scene with Sephiroth and start from the beginning." he said. Everyone considered this statement and saw that it was good...soooo they all got in their places.
"Ahem, once upon a time," began the narrator (also known as Vincent) "there lived a beautiful young girl by the name of Aerith-ella, she was..."
"Wait, wait, wait, I still want to know why she gets to be Cinderella (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and i have to be the evil stepmother." interrupted Tifa, for only the twentieth time that day.
"Look, Tifa," said Vincent, sighing, "We all auditioned...well, some of us did, others just got drafted." he said smirking at Yuffie who stuck her tongue out at him. "Anyways, Aerith got the part of Cinderella, and you got the part of the evil stepmother, none of us really wanted to do this, but the Marlene's entire class, threatened to get hyper and make us go insane if we didn't. None of us are happy, with the possible exception of Aerith, deal with it"
Tifa gave an injured sniff, and stalked off somewhere. After taking some aspirin, Vincent continued on with his narration. "As I was saying, she was kind and gentle and had an evil-stepmother who had two evil step-daughters..." now, I'm sure everyone knows the Cinderella story so I won't go into all that much detail because I'm too lazy. Anyways so Vincent, or the narrator, or whatever you want to call him finished his introduction and the rehearsal finally began.
"Ahem, oh-I-am-so-unhappy." declaimed Aerith, who, for the purpose of this fic, can't act. (please don't kill me brother dear, it's for the benefit of great literature *snicker*) Everyone sighed in resignation, this was obviously going to be a long night.
Vincent and Tifa collectively tried to explain the concept of acting to Aerith, alas, to no avail (Aerith doesn't need to act, I'll overact enough for the both of us). Aerith continued to give new meaning to the word wooden, and finally they just gave up and continued on with the rehearsal.
"Aerith-elLA!" shouted Tifa, beginning her part, "*gasp*, impudent girl, you have not yet done your chores, how DARE you disobey me, your own *sob* mother *sniff*!" (speaking of overacting...) Vincent checked his supply of aspirin, and though he had 10 bottles, he did not quite think that it would be enough.
The rehearsal progressed more or less along those lines, with Tifa overacting, Aerith NOT acting, Red refusing to come out from under the table, and Yuffie whining in between her lines. Vincent quickly used up half of his aspirin and was well into his sixth bottle by the time that Sephiroth's major scene came along.
"All right, we'd better go get Sephiroth." sighed Vincent. He walked over to Sephiroth's janitor closet...er, dressing room and began to attempt to make him come out. "Look Seph, if you don't come out I'm going to break down the door. I mean it, I am getting really irritated." Yuffie went looked up at him, and slowly backed away. This was probably because his eyes were once again beginning to grow red, though I suppose you can never be too sure.
"Ummmmm, Seph?" she stated somewhat querulously (can you believe it? I actually spelled that right the first time!). "I think it would be a really good idea if you came out now, Vince is going all wonky." No sound issued forth from the door however (there are just times when I feel the need to use archaic and/or dramatic language, it's just something I have to do, ya' know?).
Unfortunately this was very bad judgement on Sephiroth's part, as Vincent had reached the end of his proverbial rope. In the blink of an eye, Vincent's form was replaced by a creature that seemed to have come out of the darkest pits of hell. (insert evil laughter and eerie voice here) It was worse than your worst nightmare, worse than any creature seen on this earth, YES, IT WAS EVEN WORSE THAN THOSE HORRIBLE LITTLE KIDS ON THE WELCH'S JUICE COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!!!!!! (ok...it wasn't quite that bad, that last one was going kind of too far, it really wasn't bad at all now I come to think of it, in fact it was *bonk*. we apologize for the interruption, those responsible for it have just been sacked *bonk*. we apologize again for the further interruption, those responsible for sacking the people responsible have just been sacked.......Thank you Monty Python, thy gags are without peer)
Anyways, so the Vincent transformed into a creature and promptly bashed the door down. In the next couple of minutes various crashing sounds could be heard coming from the room, but no one went to investigate, as even Yuffie has more sense than that. After a couple more moments Sephiroth came flying out of his "dressing room" and landed hard in the middle of the stage. A moment later, Vincent, looking like himself, walked out of the dressing room, to the front of the stage, and sat down in his director's chair, which he gets to have cos he's the director.
Sephiroth was dressed in his normal regalia, you know black cloak, black pants, black boots...so on and so forth. In other words, unless he got to play the part of the insane homicidal maniac which Cinderella doesn't have..."Hey, I resent being called an insane homicidal maniac...I'm not insane!" interrupted Sephiroth...(Ignore him)...he had not yet changed into his costume.
"Ok Seph, it's your line, now I know you know what it is, so let's get on with the rehearsal, ok?" said Vincent, looking rather more calm now that he had swallowed the remaining five bottles of aspirin.
"I refuse to say that stupid line." stated Sephiroth, "It is totally beneath my dignity, I liked it better when I was out trying to take over the world, not being made to act in a stupid kiddy play." he finished, one could say he whined, but one wants to keep one's internal organs, inside of oneself. Those words had barely left his lips when he noticed that Vincent's eyes were again beginning to glow red. "But I don't want to say it, it's so stupid!" he tried to protest again. Now Vincent's skin was beginning to turn blue and things that looked suspiciously like wings were forming on his back. "Okokokokok, just calm down." Seph stated now growing very, very alarmed. He took a deep breath and said his line.
"Bibbety, bobbety, boo"
"But I'm not going to sing the song." he stated a moment later, amidst the sound of snickering around him. "Stop it, stop it, stop it, it's not like it's that funny." this only caused the snickering to intensify, becoming full-fledged laughter.
In between snickers Vincent finally found the breath to say, "You know it actually fits you quite well, I mean it is a fairy godperson." and collapsed into snickers again. (hey, why do you think I gave him the part?) However Vincent did not stay snickering long as soon afterwards he had to run away very fast from a certain black caped man with a really, really long sword (don't you know that a fanfic of mine can never be complete without Sephiroth threatening to kill Vincent for calling him gay at least once?). Unfortunatly for Vince, he was laughing to hard to be able to transform into Chaos so he had to settle for locking himself in the janitor's closet, the door of which had been magically replaced by little elves with cute pointy ears, and wittle gween hats, and....*smack*...sorry, the door had been replaced by the janitor, I just haven't taken my dried frog pills today.
After Sephiroth had cooled down a bit, Vincent came out and the rehearsal commenced. The rest of it went more or less without incident, except for the part where it turned out that Cloud hadn't learned any of his lines, and the part where suddenly all of the scenery mysteriously fell on Cloud, and the part where Yuffie tried too hard to put the glass slipper on and broke it so they had to use Aerith's brown boots, and...ok, fine, it went terribly, there, are you satisfied? Good.
Finally, convinced that the next day was going to be a disaster, the group stopped for the night, operating on the theory that if they were going to embarrass themselves, they might as well do it having a good night's rest.
The next day they all got together and half-heartedly tried to rehearse. Unfortunatly, nothing had changed over the night. Cloud still did not know his lines, Aerith still couldn't act, Tifa was still overacting, at Sephiroth had once again locked himself in the janitor's closet, which he was still saying was his dressing room.
The entire group waited with dread for the allotted time of the play to come.
Soon, the entire cafeteria was filled with little kids on the very edge of hyperness (hyperity? hypertion? who cares?). And then, the dreaded moment arrived, IT WAS TIME TO START THE PLAY, AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! sorry, I'm feeling particularly insane today, it must be something in the water...or something.
Vincent narrated his narration (have I mentioned that I love being redundant?) and settled back, he had done all he could, it was out of his hands now (dum, dum, DUUUUUUMMMM-ahhhhh drama). The play began, Aerith went out to do her little bit of non-acting, when...a miracle happened. (hmmmm, that sentence should probably have an exclamation point, oh well) All of a sudden a man ran in and starting screaming. (you may not think this is a miracle, but it did stop the play)
"You idiots, what the hell are you doing putting on a play!? Meteor is about to destroy the earth, you twits!" as he said this, Sephiroth suddenly remembered that he had been in such a snit over not getting the part of the prince that he had summoned meteor.(oopsy) Of course, when the kids had heard this they seized the moment and started to run around screaming, eventually they all ran outside and were never seen or heard from again. (Yea!!!!!!...I really don't like kids)
"Sephiroth! You idiot! You scared all the cute little kids away!" cried Aerith. As this sunk in on everyone they all simultaneously thanked Sephiroth. "And now I have to pray to keep meteor from destroying the planet!" she continued and immediately kneeled down to pray. For a moment Sephiroth battled with the urge to drop down from the ceiling and stab her, but he was prevented by the fact that Tifa smacked him on the head with a convenient piece of scenery.
Meteor was stopped, everyone lived, and the children were eventually found. Thankfully, in all the panic and mess, the children all forgot about the play. (Hurray!) The group paid Sephiroth's hospitalization bills (the piece of scenery happened to be an anvil, don't ask me what it was doing on the set of Cinderella), and treated him to a thank-you dinner. After that, more stuph happened, and in essence they lived happily ever after, or at least until I decided to write another fic about them.