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Ates. All rights reserved. That means: please don't take my work without asking! Revised: 13 apr 1999. |
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This MiSTing is written on my old Jerry fic. You will find some stuff different from the jerry-fic on my page, which is edited after this had been written. This fic is MiSTed by Garikson. For info on MiSTings and the writer of this MiSTing go to The Hegemonic Command.
(Mike and the 'bots enter)
------Jerry's Final Thought-------
[Note. Read Teka Valentine's FanFics first, to enjoy this one MUCH more.
https://members.tripod.com/~TekaV ]
TOM: Ackkk!! This author is a Teka wanna-be?!
CROW: This is going to be worse than the real thing!!
ALL: AHHHHHHHH!!
We find the whole crew (except for Cait and Red 13, who are at Red's own home with
Bugenhagen)
CROW: (author) I'm not going to bother to explain why, just trust me on
this.
at Tifa's 7th Heaven.
TOM: Under 40 tons of scrap metal, considering the Sector 7 plate fell on Sector 7.
Cid: Oh boy oh boy oh boy!
CROW: (Cid) Cloud said he had a special treat for me in his bedroom!!
MIKE: (Tifa) Lucky *^&%#%$&
Dukes weekend!
Yuffie: Aw MAN! That show SUCKS!
Cid: Don't insult my dukes, you stupid kid!
Vincent: Easy Cid, just take it easy.
MIKE: (Vincent) We can't have you having another heart attack.
TOM: (Cid) JUST SHUT THE F-AHHHH!!
CROW: (Yuffie) The old man kicked the bucket! Radical!
Cid: If you take her away so I can watch my Dukes I will!
Yuffie: Hmph! I'll go by myself! (leaves)
Cid: Good.
Cloud: Say Cid, How come you like the Dukes so much?
MIKE: (Cid) Because a bunch of stupid fanfic authors got together and
decided to start a trend, and, like the sheep he is, this author has decided to jump the
bandwagon.
Cid: Well, they have a self tuned-up car, and I have my own tuned-up plane!
TOM: Even though those two are entirely seperate things that have nothing to do
with each other.
Vincent: (sarcastic) Cool.
Cid: Hey Vincent!
Vincent: What?
CROW: (Cid) Simmonsayswhat?
TOM: (Vincent) What?
CROW: (Cid) Exactly. (nerdy laugh)
Cid: Why don't YOU tell us YOUR favorite show?
TOM: (Vincent) It's Care Bears.
MIKE: (Everyone) ?!
TOM: (Vincent) .....Uh, er, I mean... Tales from the Crypt. Yeah, that's it.
Vincent: 'Cause you'll laugh at me!
Cloud: Why?
Vincent: Well, it's Jerry Springer!
Everyone: WHAT???
Vincent: (thinks) And now they'll start laughing...
CROW: (Vincent) ....at my girlish figure....
Everyone: Hahahaaa!
MIKE: (Everyone) Hahahaaa! The author is stupid and knows nothing about
FFVII! Let us continue to mock him! Hahahaaa!
Vincent: (thinks) Figures!
Cloud: Why Jerry Springer?
Vincent: I don't know,
CROW: (Vincent) I'm just turned on by freaks and mutants. Pretty weird, huh?
it has a sort of...tension...
Cid: Yeah, tension is it's middle name!
TOM: (Cloud) Yeah, um, Cid... we don't have middle names...
Vincent: ...And I like it when they start fighting!
MIKE: (Vincent) Senseless violence is fun! It's great when people get hurt!
Cloud: Yeah, those people have serious problems!
TOM: Much like the author, living in Teka's shadow.
CROW: Now THAT'S pathetic...
Everyone: Uh-huh!
(suddenly Sephiroth appears, and everybody screams)
TOM: Considering the fact that Sephiroth SHOULD be DEAD...
CROW: Next thing you know Aeris is going to show up...
Sephiroth: Don't get scared now, I won't kill you (softly) yet!
Cloud: Why not?
MIKE: (Cloud) Please kill me! I thought Teka was bad until I ran into THIS
author!! Just finish me off, I BEG of you!!
Sephiroth: 'Cause I got a little surprise for you all!
Tifa: What?
Cloud: A bomb?
ALL: HOORAY! KILL THEM ALL!!
Barret: What's yoose giving us a present fo'?
Sephiroth: What did you say?
Cloud: He said: "What are you giving us a present for?"
TOM: Cloud speaks fluent ebonics.
Sep: Oh! No reason!
MIKE: (Sephiroth) I was just planning to destory the world, had a few hours
to burn, so what do you know? Here I am! Got anything to eat?
Cid: Sure...now tell us!
Sep: Ok, I want to become friends with you...
ALL: HUH?!!
CROW: Is this Sephiroth from some weird, evil alternate dimension where Sephiroth
is a gift-bearing peace lover that just wants to be friends? Or is the author just a
pathetic writer that never played FFVII?
TOM: I think it's the latter.
Everyone: .....
Sep: Cum'on, why not???
TOM: (Sephiroth) Who cares If I burned down a few towns, killed a few
hundred people, and tried to destory the world? We can forgive and forget, right?
Cloud: 'Cause you killed Aeris!
CROW: (Cloud) You also killed the only family I had, my mother, but I'm not
going to bother mentioning that!
MIKE: (Cloud) Now I'm stuck with Tifa!! ...Then again, there IS Yuffie, but
it'd be illegal and a little weird in bed...
Sep: Ah, ofcourse, that's still a painful memory isn't it! Well, I can fix that!
Cloud: Really?
TOM: (Sephiroth) Yeah, I got these neat things called "Phoenix
Downs"...
Sep: Ofcourse. I have great magic powers!
Cid: (softly) and a great ego too!
Sep: You say something?
Cid: Uhm...nope!
Sep: Well, behold: Aeris! (flash of light, lots of green fireflies-like things and Aeris
appears!)
CROW: Ugg... I was right...
TOM: (Tifa) THAT DIRTY &(*^&%$ IS BACK?!! LEMME AT HER!!
Everyone: WOW!
Aeris: Hi guys.
CROW: (Aeris) Hey guys, how've you been? Me? I've just been serving my Dark
Overlord Satan in disturbing and disgusting ways for, let's see... 500 Hell years now!
Everyone: HI AERIS!
MIKE: Why does this sound like an AA meeting?
Sep: And what do I hear from you?
ALL: SEND HER BACK! SEND HER BACK! SEND HER BACK!
Cloud: Ok, so what's the catch?
CROW: (Sephiroth) You know the catch. Now assume the position, you naughty
little boy...
TOM: Eeeechhh!!
Sep: No, you're supposed to say:
MIKE: Smile! Your on Cannid Camera!
Thank you Sephiroth!
Cloud: No, I'll say:
TOM: Kiss my grits, Melve!
CROW: Sit on it!!
MIKE: Guys, If anybody knows where those two catch phrases came from, I'll pay you
five dollars.
TOM: You're on.
What's the catch?
Sep: We all go to see my favorite show live!
Cid: Which is?
MIKE: (Sephiroth) The Shaquille O'Neal Show!
TOM: (Cid) That was canceled.
MIKE: (Sephiroth) WHAT?! NOOO!! I'LL BURN TOWNS!! I'LL DESTORY THE WORLD!!
JUSTICE MUST BE SERVED!! AHHHHHHH!!
Sep: Jerry Springer!
TOM: Which doesn't exist in the FFVII universe, but we'll overlook that small
detail...
Vincent: What???
Everyone: HUH????
CROW: That just about sums up this entire fanfic.
Sep: Hey, i just like it when they start fighting ok?
TOM: What's with this 'Sep' thing? Is it too hard to just type 'Sephiroth'?! Would
it really kill you to write NINE LETTERS?!!
MIKE: Okay Tom, calm down...
Cloud: I sense a feeling of Deja-Vu here!
Sep: Well, Come on! We'll be late! (they go to the show, but everyone (except Vincent and
Sep) doesn't want to)
TOM: Well then, that's not everyone... aw, screw it.
At the entrance of the Jerry Springer show.
Man: Ah, there you are, you're late! Go to the dressing rooms immediately, and I'll talk
with you there!
Everyone: (looking at eachother) .....
Man: Well, what are you waiting for? Hurry, you're on in twenty minutes!
Cloud: "On"?? As in, on stage????
TOM: (Man) No, on top of Barret. OF COURSE I MEAN ON THE STAGE!!
Man: Ofcourse! Now quickly, before they start thinking where you are!
MIKE: "Of course" is two seperate words.
CROW: We all know that Mike, but that was kind of lame.
MIKE: Sorry.
Everyone: But....
Man: No buts,
CROW: Only breasts!
MIKE: CROW!
NOW MOVE !!!!! (looking very angry)
Everyone: SHIT! (but they go to the dressing rooms)
TOM: Even Aeris said that?
CROW: (sarcastic) Sure, Aeris is always cussing people out left and right.
In the Guys' dressing room...
Cloud: Man, this sucks. We weren't supposed to be IN the show!
Cid: Well, we can't do anything about it anymore.
MIKE: (Cid) We can't go through the big dor labled "exit" or
anything...
Cloud: Why don't we just kill that guard outside and take off!
Sep: Because we'll be noticed if we do, and besides, this could be fun!
TOM: Sephiroth DOESN'T want to kill someone?!
ALL: HUH?!
Barret: What'yoose means?
Sep: WHAT??
Cloud: He said:
CROW: (Cloud) "Kill some meat" or something like that, I wasn't
paying attention...
"What do you mean"
Sep: Oh! Well, we could make up a lot of funny stories and talk about them!
TOM: (sarcastic) Weeeee! What fun!
MIKE: Then we can eat Smores and tell scary stories by a campfire!
Vincent: Yes, I think that's the best thing to do right now!
CROW: Lying! It's great!
Cid: Oh well, why not. (and they agree to make up some funny stories)
MIKE: Yeah, I THINK we can figure that out!
TOM: What do we look like, Idiots? Well, I can't speak for Mike...
MIKE: Yeah... HEY!!
Meanwhile, in the Girls dressing room...
CROW: ...Cloud and Cid are locked in a closet, peering through a small peep hole...
Aeris: So, what happened after I died?
CROW: (Tifa) Me and Cloud had sex outside the North Crater before we killed
Sephiroth.
MIKE: CROW!!
Tifa: Oh, not much. We went to look for Sephiroth and when we found him, we killed him.
Yuffie: Yeah, it was totally awesome!
TOM: (Yuffie) Radical! Totally! Like, whatever!
MIKE: Tom, stop that before I strangle you.
Tifa: But the author brought him back alive again for his fanfics.
CROW: So the FFVII cast know they're fictional characters?
TOM: Ha ha, stupid dopes...
Aeris: Oh ok. And how's my mom?
MIKE: (Tifa) We forgot to feed her for a few weeks, and she ran away.
Tifa: She's ok, she's in Kalm, but we'll tell you later.
Yuffie: Yeah, it's a long story, and we have to get out of here right now!
TOM: (Yuffie) Let's run while the author isn't looking!
Aeris: Just a second please.
Tifa: What for??
CROW: (Aeris) My Cellular is ringing. Ok... yes, I see... okay... alright.
That was my Agent. He got me a roll in a DIGNIFIED fanfic, a FFVII/FFVI/WWF/Starship
Troopers crossover. So I'm outta this loser story.
Aeris: Sephiroth is telling me something through our minds! (in herself) Ah, yes,
uhm...ok!
TOM: So Aeris and Sephiroth are physically linked?
MIKE: The author sure is taking alot of creative liberties.
CROW: I hope SquareSoft sues.
Tifa/Yuffie: WHAT???
TOM: (Aeris) Sephiroth says the Salon is giving 50% off on makeovers! Today
only!!
Aeris: We're going to.....
CROW: ...kill the author....
(she tells the plan to the girls, and they get ready for it)
MIKE: They grab their shovels, pitch forks, knives, and any other pain-inflicting
object they could possibly find...
In the Show...
Jerry: Hi there,
TOM: (Jerry) Today we'll be talking to crappy Fanfic authors that just won't
do humanity a favor and stop writing!
today we have another plain love triangle, but within this same group, there are even more
problems!
Fat man in audience:
MIKE: It's Drew Carey!
(with Texan accent) Just start the fightin' Jerry!!
Jerry: Keep your shirt on, and i mean that in BOTH ways (audience shouts:
ALL: (audience) GO PACKERS!! WOOOO!!
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry)
Jerry: Well, bring them on... (Cloud and Tifa come on, and the audience Woohs)
CROW: I think the author meant 'boos'
Cloud: Hi everybody!
Audience: (laughing at Cloud because of his hair and suit)
MIKE: (audience) Hahahaaa! He's slightly more disgusting and stupid than we
are! Hahahaaa!
Get lost!
Cloud: Shut the
TOM: Heck
*BEEP* up!
Jerry: Welcome to the show, Let's begin with telling us what's going on. Cloud?
Cloud: Ok. I am madly in love with Tifa (smiles at Tifa, she smiles back), but I slept
with Aeris a couple of times.
MIKE: C'mon, EVERYONE who played FFVII knows that!
Tifa: WHAT?? YOU *BEEP*-ing son of a *BEEP*!!! (smacks Cloud)
CROW: Jerry Springer... brought to you by your U.S. Department of Censorship.
Protecting you from reality since 1951.
Cloud: (whispers to Tifa) Hey, that hurt!!
Tifa: (whispers back) Sorry, I just wanted it to look real.
Jerry: Well, let's bring Aeris on too (Aeris come up, crowd Boohs). Hi Aeris.
Aeris: hiya Cutie (walks to Cloud and kisses him)
TOM: (Cloud) (nerdy) Eeeeeeww! Girls! Yucky!
Tifa: You *BEEP* (walks to Aeris and they start a catfight, crowd "yeah"s)
MIKE: (crowd) Yeah!
CROW: (Crowd) ....yeah....
TOM: (crowd) .....Yeah?
Jerry: (after the girls were seperated) Welcome on the show Aeris...
Aeris: Who are you?
TOM: (Jerry) Satan's loyal servant.
Jerry: I am Jerry, the host of this show.
Aeris: Huh? I thought this was Oprah!?
MIKE: (sarcastic) Jerry Springer does have an uncanny resemblance to Oprah.
CROW: (sarcastic) Oh, of course. Just like Sally's resemblance to Heraldo.
Jerry: Eh, no. This is the Jerry Springer show, and I'm Jerry Springer!
TOM: (Jerry) Don't we tell you people this at the door?! How about the big
sign behind me that says 'Jerry Springer'?! Or the fact that's I'm not a black woman?!
DOES THAT GIVE YOU A CLUE, BRAIN-DEAD?!!
MIKE: Tom, calm down. We don't want you blowing another fuse.
TOM: (gasping for breath)
Aeris: What?? I hate this show!
Audience: BOOOOHHHH!!!!!!
Jerry: Hey, that's your problem! (audience:
ALL: (audience) PACKERS!!! WOOOOO!!
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!)
Cloud: Aeris, I have to tell...
Aeris: No Cloud, I have to tell YOU something!
CROW: Aeris and Tifa, Aeris and Tifa, oh please god, Aeris and Tifa...
MIKE: You wish, Crow.
TOM: We ALL wish, Mike.
Cloud/Tifa: ???
Aeris: I haven't been truly faithful to you too! (crowd "yeah"s)
Cloud: What?
Aeris: I have been seeing Vincent for a while, and...
CROW: Well, they DO say opposites attract....
Cloud: Vincent? As in my BEST FRIEND Vincent???? (crowd "yeah"s again)
Aeris: Yes, and we...
TOM: (Aeris) Went to lunch. I had a light salad with no dressing, and he had
thirty pounds of raw horse flesh. That's all that happened.
MIKE: (audience) BOOOO!!
Cloud: You *BEEP*! You said to me that you only loved me!
Tifa: Serves you right, you *BEEP*!
Cloud: Just shut the *BEEP* up, you *BEEP*
TOM: Does the author know that the censorship bleeps are done after the show is
filmed, during editing, NOT when it's actually going on?
Jerry: Well, let's bring on VINCENT!! (crowd "yeah"s,
CROW: (audience) We're sick of saying "yeah"! We want to say some
fresh and orginal!
TOM: (audience) Hooray! Weee!
Vincent comes on, crowd "yeah"s even louder)
MIKE: (audience)