"Who came up with the bright idea of living here anyway?" said Tifa irritably. She was dressed in about 5 layers of clothing, as was everyone else, with the exception of Red, who had no hands. Wait a minute, that's not the reason, the real reason was that Red wasn't there. They would have all been wearing their normal clothes, but the personal heating and/or cooling units that they normally carried around to keep from having to change outfits had recently all broken down at exactly the same moment by an extraordinary twist of plot element. (Think of it as poetic license)
"I don't know, one day we just found out that we had a villa here, so we moved in." said Cloud just as irritably. (All right, this may come as a surprise to many of you out there, but I'm planning on making Cloud slightly less of a dink in this fanfic…I'm starting to think that maybe I'm being a teensy bit unfair, maybe I'll be nice to Yuffie in one of my fanfics, *think* I doubt it, though) He was at the moment trying to light a fire with his amazing telepathic powers that don't exist, not to mention would be pretty useless in lighting a fire, but they were out of matches so anything's worth a try.
"So, essentially, what you're saying is that some moron was stupid enough to build a villa here, and then just gave it to us." said Yuffie in a somewhat derogatory tone. (Well actually, a better adverb would be extremely, but that's just an insignificant detail) Cloud nodded. "And no one thought this the least bit suspicious?" she went on. (Holy mackerel Batman! Yuffie's making sense! This is worse than Vincent not getting beat up!)
"Hey" protested Vincent, "I don't always get beat up! Sometimes I grovel enough before anyone gets a chance!" Vincent suddenly realized what he had just said. "Uhh, that is, I…um." He was, however, saved from certain extreme embarrassment by the fact that no one listened to him anymore when he started to protest about anything. (That's probably why they're living in Icicle Inn right now)
Seeing that no one was listening, nor would they listen, Vincent decided to wander off to find a dark corner in which to sulk in. Unfortunately for him, the builder had really gone overboard when he designed the house and there were windows everywhere. And, since it's always daytime in Icicle Inn (and a whole bunch of other places for that matter), there were no dark corners to be found (Oh No! What will Vincent do! Has anyone ever watched the Freakazoid episode where Cosgrove goes out with this monster and at one point there's this chanting going on "What will Cosgrove dooooo? What will Cosgrove dooo?" What? No? Well, forget that then.) After waking up from the nap he had taken during the time in which the author kind of wandered off, he eventually found a reasonably dark corner in the basement. (By an amazing feat of architecture, the builder of the house, whose name was Bloody Stupid Johnson, incidentally, had actually managed to somehow stick windows in there as well)
During the time that Vincent had wandered around and the author had been frothing, the rest of the group had not done anything so that the readers would not be confused when the author finally got back to writing about them. Once they saw that the author's relatively short attention span was back on them, they resumed their "discussion."
"Well, it was cheaper than buying a house in Costa del Sol." Cloud protested weakly. "And since you stole all of our money and blew it all off at the Gold Saucer, we just had to take what we got."
"So, essentially, it's your fault that we're here," stated Tifa, smiling evilly. "If we still had our money, we would be sitting in Costa del Sol drinking daiquiris, and I wouldn't have to be wearing this ridiculous outfit that does nothing for my figure!" By the time she had finished her litany, she was on the verge of tears. Unfortunately, the heating had broken down inside the villa, and it was below freezing so they froze immediately, sealing her eyes shut.
As Tifa blindly stumbled around, trying to find something to unfreeze her eyes, everyone began to advance on Yuffie with extremely murderous intent. After they had beaten her up and she had groveled for about half an hour to convince them to keep from killing her, they got back to matters at hand. Tifa had come up with the brilliant idea of using Red's tail to unfreeze her eyes, but was stopped by the fact that Red was not there, so…she was still stumbling around.
"@#$%!!" yelled Cid (you were expecting maybe…Aerith?) "It's time for Dukes of Hazzard!" Everyone groaned in unison. (they had spent hours practicing that, it's a lot harder to do than nodding your head in unison) However, when Cid turned on the TV, they were all greeted by something totally unexpected. (I'm building suspense, can you tell?)
"We now return to the only program on the only station that Icicle Inn provides…."Watching Snow Fall" with yoooooouuuur host Frank Thegenerichostguy!" blared the announcer. For a moment, no one knew what to say. But only for a moment.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" yelled Cid with an anguished…yell. "I CAN'T WATCH DUKES!!!!!!!" He ran around the room tearing his hair out and screaming. After about five minutes of that he ran through the wall and disappeared over the horizon. (and then there were, wait let me count them, four mwahahahahahaha!!!!)
"All right!" said Vincent, who had stopped sulking and had come back, (ok, make that five-next thing you know Tifa is going to unfreeze her eyes, and I'm going to have to add her in too) "Break out the champagne, no more Dukes of Hazzard! This is most definitely a cause for celebration."
"Maybe we should stay here." said Aerith (who had been resurrected earlier using the secret "ritual of the orange strawberry shortcake" of the secret sect of pastry, the details of which are unknown, because IT'S A SECRET-you don't listen very well, do you?) thoughtfully.
That having been said, they celebrated their freedom from the Dukes of Hazzard for a while, but were stopped when Cid came back from wherever he had gone off to. "I say, have you got the time?" he said, displaying a cultured English accent, despite the fact that there's no such country as England in the ffvii universe. "Why are you looking at me that way old chaps, it's as if you had seen a ghost, wot?"
"He didn't curse a single time while he was talking," whispered Yuffie in a frightened voice. "What happened to him?"
"I think he's snapped." said Cloud, displaying his usual tact. "We all knew it had to come sooner or later, it was just a matter of time. It's a part of becoming old and decre-" he was cut off by a bunch of objects flying at him and hitting him on the head. (flower pots, vases, shurikens, materia etc.)
Tifa, who had finally gotten her eyes unfrozen by using a fire materia (and burned off her eyebrows in the process, but they grew back almost immediately because I felt like it) went up to him held up three fingers. "How many fingers am I holding up?" she asked.
"Three, my dear girl, there's nothing wrong with my eyesight, wot?" (I'm enjoying this) he answered. "Now, is there any possibility of getting a good cup of tea in the near future?" (some things don't change, besides English people like tea) "And I'd also like some of those nice biscuit things to go with it." he continued almost plaintively.
The group stared at each other in horror. This was the same Cid who had yesterday said that those biscuit things were for pansies? Vincent proceeded to cautiously ask one last question. "Hey Cid, do you want to watch The Dukes of Hazzard?" Everyone breathlessly waited for his response.
"Why would I want to watch that show? It is something only and uncultured ruffian would watch. I much prefer "Masterpiece Theater." There was silence, only broken by the sound of the 'thud' made by Aerith, Tifa, and Yuffie hitting the floor.
"I say, what's wrong with them." asked Cid, as the girls picked themselves up. Then to everyone's further horror, he took the cigarette out of his mouth, and brought out a pipe, which he promptly lit. Puffing contentedly, he then sat down on a plush easy chair, which had appeared magically by use of a "summon easy chair" spell, and a book of Shakespeare, which he got from the same place as he got the pipe.
Vincent was feeling decidedly shaky at all this. Suddenly he realized something, he had not sulked in a dark corner for hours! Frantically he looked around, but there were just too many windows! Not a dark corner in site!
"Vincent, are you alright?" asked Tifa. "You look pale, well, paler anyway."
"Must…find…dark…corner…" Vincent gasped out. Shuddering, he collapsed onto the ground and started twitching violently. (jeez, I'm worse than Scylla! but not much)
"Oh my god! Vincent has gone into shock!" exclaimed Aerith. All three girls rushed to him. (hmmm, I wonder….naaaah, couldn't be)
"…must…atone…" he muttered in between twitches.
"he's backsliding, we have to do something fast, or he'll be as bad as he was when we first met him!" yelled Yuffie. (hey, why is she being so helpful…unless, has she lost it too?)
Hurriedly, Tifa closed all the shutters on the windows. (now, why did no one think of this before?) After a minute or so of more twitching, Vince finally stabilized and stood up, brushing his cape off.
"Are you alright?" asked Aerith.
"Yup!" said Vincent enthusiastically. The rest of the people just looked at him. (Vincent? Enthusiastic? I'd be twitching on the floor right now) "Why are you looking at me like that? Did I grow a set of wings?" he paused for a moment and looked worried. "I didn't did I?"
"No," said Cloud. "We're just in shock over you being enthusiastic. You're usually all gloomy and weird. You haven't gone insane like Cid, have you? Now that I think about it, you are older, and if he's getting senile, yo-" before he could possibly say anything more tactless or irritating he was once again hit by a variety of flying objects.
"Gloomy?! I'm never gloomy!" exclaimed Vincent. "I'm a wonderfully cheerful person! Hey! Why am I standing in this dark corner?! It seems very silly of me! Why are you looking at me all weird again?! Oh look! Tifa, Aerith, and Yuffie have thudded to the floor! I hope they haven't hurt themselves! I'm gonna go change clothes into something brighter! Like maybe yellow, or light blue! Bye!" After he had finished exclaiming the last sentence he skipped out of the room. (speaking of picking on Vincent…)
"I say, that last chap was rather strange, wouldn't you agree, wot?" said Cid to nobody in particular. "I'm going to go see if there is a drop of tea in this establishment." and he left the room as well.
Yuffie, who had by this time recovered, put on a concerned face. "Oh! we must do something to help them!" (man, now I'm freaking myself out) "I'll go and talk to them."
"Ok, just don't go stealing anything." said Cloud, who just had to add his little tactless bit in there.
"Steal? Me? I think you have me mistaken for someone else." she through him a dark look (you know, like the one where, if looks could kill, you would have been stabbed, set on fire, thrown off of a building, and chopped into little bits-only worse) and stalked huffily out of the room. (and then there were three and this time it's gonna stay that way, if I have to kick everyone else out myself)
"I think I've figured it out!" said Tifa. Cloud and Aerith looked at her, not having been aware that there was an it to figure out. "Why everyone's behaving all weird." she said by way of explanation. "Everyone is snapping because of the cold or because there's something wrong with Icicle Inn. This is just part of a larger conspiracy to make sure that the sale of chocolate is banned. I can't tell you the details without endangering you."
Cloud and Aerith looked at each other, however, before Cloud had a chance to open his mouth and say something tactless Aerith spoke up. "Maybe you should go lie down." she suggested.
"I can't lie down, they're after me." Tifa said significantly. Neither bothered to ask who "they" were. "You see, I've found out they're little secret, and now they have to get rid of me. But I won't make it easy. Ooooohhh noooooo." Aerith, nodding understandingly, took her by the arm and walked her out, talking soothingly all the while. (darn it, where are those men in white coats when you need them?)
When she came back, however, she was somewhat dismayed to find Cloud acting strangely. He was singing "I'm a little teapot" and doing a dance that went along with it. Whenever the song ended, he would start over, and so it went. over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and-*WHACK* Aerith, having lost patience, smacked Cloud upside the head.
Suddenly, Sephiroth appeared out of nowhere. "Mwahahahahahaha. Now I can summon meteor and destroy the world, because everyone is too insane to stop me!"
"You arranged all this." said Aerith flatly.
"Yup." said Seph, obviously extremely proud of himself. "I had the villa built, and then I bribed the author to make all of your personal heating and cooling units break down simultaneously."
"Hey!" said Aerith, obviously irritated. "You bribed the author? I thought she couldn't be bought, well that's what she told us anyway. Hey author!" Suddenly a little window appeared in the air, inside, author could be seen, she was, at the moment, humming "I'm in the money" under her breath and obviously in the middle of some serious shopping.
"Go away, I'm busy." she said and the window promptly closed.
"Aarrrrgh! Now I'm really irritated!" said Aerith. She turned toward Sephiroth, who suddenly looked nervous. "This is all your fault. I'm gonna smack you across this continent!" and saying that she promptly began whacking Sephiroth with her staff. (You didn't think that she escaped, did you? She was just affected in a different way)
Finding no escape from the onslaught, Sephiroth ran away. As they disappeared in the distance shouts of "Come on it was a joke" and "Mooooommmmyyyyy!!!" could be heard.
The End
"Wait just a minute." said Vincent. "So I'm still walking around being all happy and preppy," he shuddered at the thought. "Cid is still English, and everyone else is pretty much insane? What kind of an ending is that?"
"Yeah, am I just going to be left a conspiracy nut?" protested Tifa. Soon the rest of group was also voicing their own objections about the ending.
"So, I suppose that the next thing that you're gonna say is that Aerith just keeps on whacking me for eternity?" said Sephiroth.
"Can't you just let us go back to when we were living in a villa in Costa del Sol?" asked Cloud.
"Well, maybe if you ask, really, really nicely." said the tree that the author chose to manifest herself in for the moment. (I happen to like manifesting myself in trees, deal with it)
"Please?" everyone said, fluttering their eyelashes at the tree, which was kind of useless since trees don't have eyes.
"Oh fine." huffed the tree, and winked out of existence. A moment later everyone was standing inside a very comfortable villa in Costa del Sol, personal heating and cooling units working and all perfectly sane. Cid immediately made a beeline for the TV, Vincent situated himself in a very convenient dark corner, and everyone else went about his or her normal activities. And no one ever voiced a complaint about always living in a villa in Costa del Sol again.
the moral of this story is: Banning the sale of chocolate is a horrible, horrible thing to do.
The End