******* How to make an author crazy (if he wasn't already) *******
The entire FF7 crew of (still) living characters is in Cloud's Villa,
waiting for the fanfic to begin... *YAWN*
"How boring can you be?" asked Cloud to nobody in particular. "I mean, we
never do anything exciting or something like that, so can't you just for once come up with
something we could enjoy?" I think he was talking to me, the author. I could've said
'complaining to me' but I didn't feel like letting Cloud complain already. Therefore, he
was just talking. "I think he can't hear you yet." said Tifa while trying to put
up a cute smile for Cloud -she failed ofcourse. (now why the 'ofcourse' ? Since when is
there something wrong with Tifa? Am I already going crazy, even before any clue about the
title of yet another fanfic of mine was given? And why am I writing such incredibly long
sentences that seem to have no end and consist only of subordinate clauses that blend in
eachother and make absolutely no sense at all, even when there is some logic given by me
at the end of it all too? And why is it that I already write this stupid
'in-between-brackets' part so early in the fanfic, whereas it should be placed somewhere
at the end when all stupid and strange comments made previously during the fanfic are
explained? All these questions, will be answered... below (or not, depending on my amount
of (or rather 'apparently not a lack of') inspiration and/or something else for which I cannot find the
appropriate word right now)) Uhm, where was I? Oh yeah: Tifa tried to smile, but failed,
but since Cloud was staring at the sky, uhm, ceiling (I forgot they were indoors) he
didn't notice.
Suddenly, a bright flash of nothing happened! (now THAT did NOT make ANY sense at all! I
really am going crazy... or maybe I already was... Well, read on for the answer) Cloud and
well, the rest, didn't even look up for this. (Cloud looked down though, but he was
staring at the ceiling, so he couldn't look up any further could he? That's why it said
nobody looked up) Barret almost fell asleep during all this nonsense, and since there
actually hadn't been a meaningful sentence written so far Cid and Vincent decided to go
someplace else. Perhaps it was faith, perhaps it was Yuffie, perhaps it was the irritating
author that can't keep his mind to what he is doing for longer than five words, but the
whole crew started screaming and yelling: "Help, mayday, help!" (mayday?) For
some reason which even I can't figure out, the house was trembling. It was not an
earthquake, as when the crew looked out the window they saw that only Cloud's villa was
trembling, and that all the surrounding houses still stood perfectly still... or
something. Whatever the reason was, the team ran outside and crawled underneath convenient
bushes that appeared to stand very close to the house all of a sudden. What Cloud
expected, Diamond picking up his villa, was not the case. What it was, was that the
author was landing in a HOLS, kindly borrowed from his own book. It landed directly on top
of the villa, without demolishing it though. Cloud and the others tread inside again,
waiting for the author to come out of his ship. "Why would he show up like
this?" whispered Yuffie to Tifa. "I think it is to impress us." She
answered. "Well, I think that he was tired of flying as a bee, and in the last
fanfic he stated that we were keeping a close eye on every bee in the neighbourhood, so he
was probably smart enough not to come like a bee." said Cloud, who actually stated
something significant for the first time in his life. Even though, the doors opened, and a
small bee flew out again. The team groaned in unison: *groan* See? You only heard one
groan! Perfect unison! Erm, anyway, the bee flew out and started talking. "I am who you think I am,
so let there be no mistakes about who I am, because I alrady said I was me! I have come
here in peace, and will not do any harm to you... for now." The crew looked at
eachother in confusion. "Has he lost his mind during the last fanfic?" whispered
Yuffie softly. "Could be, it was his first attempt at an Epic-fanfic. Maybe he went
crazy after writing actions mostly instead of dialogues, and now he's still a bee, without
a sane mind in its already tiny little head! What more could happen?" said Cloud,
(he's good!) and not shortly after he said it, another bee flew out of the ship too!
"This more could happen!" it said, without introducing itself. "Oh guys,
this is Chase, my new counterpart. He will give comments about everything during future
fanfics. If you don't like what he says, ignore him like you do with me, but don't go chasing
him, because well, hence the name, he will divert it and chase you! So don't get
him angry!" said Bee 1 (me). Everybody looked miraculously puzzled. Nobody expected this
to happen for sure! Seeing no special interest in another irritating bee, they went
outside and to the beach. Chase felt ignored, but since I just said they should do that,
he didn't chase them (maybe it was to make a good first impression.... nah!). Since I was
alone with Chase, my great imaginary friend who for some reason can't switch from bee-form
to human form, I started a conversation in Bee-ish: "So, how 'bout those uhm, what
teams are there anyway in this universe?" Chase shrugged, which was one of the
biggest miracles of all time. Why? Did you already forget that he was a bee? Ever
see a bee shrug? I have now, well, imaginary anyways.
"What should we do with the bees inside?" asked Cloud to the group. "Let's
get some pesticide and spray them!" said Red 13. "Wow, what happened to you? How
come you have such a vile mind all of a sudden?" asked everyone in unison (they
practiced that so much in Kocica's fanfics that they could do that in one try now!).
"I uh, I saw 'A Bug's Life' from Disney last night, I still have nightmares -or
rather DAYmares- from it! Hey, where are you guys going? Guys? Hey come back!!" The
team walked inside ignoring Red, and while Red was muttering softly he followed them.
"So that's the plan, get it?" asked Bee 1 (me) to Chase. (shall I give Bee 1 a
name that makes everything much clearer? How 'bout KuraFire? Nah, already used by me. What
do you guys think? KuraFire or another name? Please vote now. Ok, so the Bee is now called
KuraFire! I love democracy! (?)) Chase nodded. "I understand perfectly: you want me
to mumblemumblewhispergroanwhispermumblewhisperyawnmumblewhispersnoremumblemumble..."
"Exactly!" said KuraBee (I think this is better, and since you guys can't do
anything about it I am going to use KuraBee! Hah, power!) The team, who had just overheard
this conversation without exactly understanding what Chase said, acted surprised and
suspicious (who wouldn't?). "Hey, whaddya guys.. bees.. talking about?" asked
Cloud misunderstandingly. "Oh, I was just chatting with my counterpart about how we
will make your lives even more miserable, if possible. I instructed him to do various
-painful- stuff to you, so expect the worst." KuraBee's words made such an impression
on the team that they ran around in circles, ocassionally bumping into eachother,
screaming for backup and more ammo (sorry, I saw some weird movie a couple days ago, and
it was about a group of soldiers who were suddenly surprised by an enemy attack. Needless
to say, they did the exact same thing as the team just did. Hilarious... too bad I forgot
the name of that movie.). Before anyone could react KuraBee and Chase flew outside and
bumped into Cid and Vincent, who pinched them away from their chests as if they were
flies. Chase did not like that much, but since I am the only person to know what
CAN happen at such a moment I'll describe what happened so that you guys don't feel left
out. (is it me, or is this fic mostly about nothing and little about the actual fic? For
instance, all this crap that I write between brackets -the same thing you're reading at
this exact moment- is all very useless info, and has nothing to do with Final Fantasy 7 or
anything at all! *smash* oh yeah the fic, sorry) Chase chased Vincent, as Cid only
pinched me. Vincent wasn't really aware of the terror he had started, but he was running
and couldn't think much other than 'HELP' so it didn't bother him much. Cid and Vincent
had absolutely no idea what was happening, as they left right before the 'action' started.
Cid then saw the HOLS (kindly borrowed from my own book) on top of Cloud's villa, and
asked KuraBee what it was. "Why, it's my HOLS ofcourse! Haven't you read my
book?" "I uhh, no, I... I hate your writings, it's very painful -for me that is-
and I'm not planning to re- "You're not in it, it completely has got nothing to do
with FF7" -ad it.. Where is it?" (suckup!) "I'll give it to you later. Right now we have to
convince Chase to let Vincent live..." "Now why should we?" asked Cid, who
just began to become puzzled too. "By the way, who is Chase anyway?" "Ah
yes, right, you weren't here. Chase is my counterpart." "Oh" "But we
really should stop him from killing Vincent." "Tell me, why do you want to do
that?" "If Chase kills him, he gets eager for more blood. And since I am a bee
-and the author- I run no risk. You, on the other hand, will have a problem if that
happens." "Hah, I can slash him into pieces with my spear!" said Cid,
rubbing the blade of his spear (yes, that short top-part) as if he was polishing it.
"Uhm, I don't think so..." said KuraBee, flying in tiny little circles (for fun!
Hey, even I need to have some fun!). "howszat?" "Well, you see, Chase
is my counterpart, you are just a character I feel like torturing in my fanfics,
and I am the author. Do you really think that I would let you kill him?"
"Where are they, I gotta stop him!" Cid started running into the
open fields, screaming for Vincent and Chase. KuraBee stayed behind laughing (well, I think
he was laughing, but he's a bee. Perhaps he was sneezing, who knows!). The rest of the
team had finally calmed down and came outside.
"Say, how come you are going to make our lives even more miserable? Can't you
remember all the irritating stuff you did to us? Not to mention the PAINFUL stuff!"
said Cloud, looking mean -well, semimean would fit his face better. "Uhm,
no." "Well then, guys, come over here. Let's remind him of everything:"
said Cloud, and he took a deep, very deep breath. The others gathered around him, and
together they started the longest, most boring conversation ever made!
Cloud started. "Let's start at the beginning: The Possession. It was mostly stupid
and boring, and it didn't make any sense at all. You also made the most idiotic mistake
one can make, especially if one's a Final Fantasy 7 guru!" "Whazza?" stated
KuraBee kuriously -err curiously. "You let parts happen in 7th Heaven!"
initiated Cloud, "you dork, that's been totally crushed!" he finished. "I
know, but does that really matter? For all we know, ShinRa decided to rebuilt it anyway,
and YES I know that they first decided not to rebuild it, they have now, and 7th Heaven
was mostly restored too! Ok?" "No," exclamed Cloud tactlessly, "but
we'll continue anyway, 'cos it's still a looong way 'til the end!" "*sigh* Oh
well, get on with it..." KuraBee flew a few circles before 'sitting' down on a
treebranch from a non-existing tree in the very near vicinity of the house, which was by
the way collapsed due to the weight of the HOLS on top of it. (there I go again...)
"My house, how could you let that happen?!" shouted Cloud angry when hearing it
had collapsed again. (say, I think something is wrong with that, but I can't figure out
what it is!) I don't think he likes me y'know, I let his precious villa get destroyed a
lot. But do you think I care? (I don't, to save you from thinking)
"Yes?" asked Tifa. "Yes what?" replied KuraBee still 'sitting'.
"Can we continue with the story?" Tifa was whining a bit, and that sure
surprised KuraBee. However, KuraBee just answered like nothing special was at hand (was
there anything in the first place?) so he said "sure" on which Tifa answered
with a kind but irritable "thank you!"
Tifa continued again. "Then, we have your second fanfic..." "Emannuelle:
blahblahblah" interrupted KuraBee her. "Yes, and that one didn't make any sense
again! Robots? Omnipotent being?" "Hey, he's from Teka's fics, I happen to like
the sucker..." An angry voice was then unleashed upon the bee and its surrounding
people: "Sucker?" it said. "Aww man, would you please leave? I'm not in the
mood of letting you suffer or letting you let them suffer (eh?) so SCRAM!" screamed
KuraBee (or something that looked like screaming, but I already said so before, he's a
bee, you can't really tell!) The omnipotent being (you did recognize him didn't
you?) then stalked off, or at least he left. We can't see him, so maybe he was still
there, just very quietly. Oh well, who would care a bit anyway. "Are you
finished?" Tifa asked me. "Shut up will'ya? If you don't like it when I change
subjects for a short while just... do something else!" I shouted from behind my
screen. Amazingly enough, it worked! (hurray!) *angry looks from the team* Ahem, as
I/KuraBee was saying/writing: "I happen to like the su-- him, so I used him in some
fics. Deal with it!" "Hmm, well, then we have your third fanfic..." said
Yuffie. "Say, how come Cait Sith and Barret never say a word?" asked KuraBee.
"How should we know, you're the one who's writing all this shit!" answered
Cloud. "Err, lemme think........ Ah yes, they never say a word because they are
afraid that I would do something to them if whatever they would say would be insulting, or
something like that." The crew all had puzzled looks on their already puzzled faces,
so KuraBee just shut his mouth. "Anyway, your third fic was Jerry's Final
Thought." finished Yuffie. "What's wrong with that one?" I asked (or do you
prefer KuraBee asked? It doesn't matter to me, y'know) "Well, a *lot* of things. once
again you used 7th Heaven, but this time you also used Aeris and Sephiroth..."
"I used Sephiroth and Aeris in the other fics too, what are you complaining
about?" "Uhm, I ehh, never mind then. However, you used Teka's idea of Vincent
being abused by Lucrecia whenever he cursed and that he doesn't dare to curse anymore, and
that sucks!" "Why?" asked KuraBee. "Can't you come up with something
yourself?" Yuffie swiftly said. "Oh, just wait." The team was even more
puzzled than ever this time, as KuraBee's answer didn't make the least bit of sense at
all. Nevertheless, they continued with their disgruntlement and dissatisfaction (wow, I
actually used those words!).
"Well, there's a lot of bad stuff in Jerry, so whenever you write another fanfic,
think about it first, ok? Don't write stuff that doesn't make any sense, unless it's
funny!" Cloud said this so rapidly that it was hard to follow, but KuraBee had a
convenient time-slowdown machine with him (how small could that be on a bee???) which
allowed him to slow Cloud's words down so that he could understand them. At this moment
Vincent and Cid came back, without Chase chasing Vincent. "How didya do that?"
asked KuraBee to Cid. "Not that difficult. I said that the queen of his swarm was in
trouble and that she had asked for Chase to rescue her. All I have to do now is make a
queen-bee that looks like it's in trouble-" "What? You mean that you made it up?
There is no queen?" asked KuraBee to Cid again. "Uhh, yes. Why?"
"You're in trouble..." was all he got for an answer. Cid decided to ignore the
bee and asked what they were talking about. "We're just telling KuraBee how stupid he
is as a fanfic-writer." said Cloud proudly, as if he had been the initiator of all
this. "Say, wasn't this pile of rubble your Villa Cloud?" asked Vincent
curiously. "Yes, it WAS, but thanks to Faruk *mean look* it now isn't anymore!"
"Hey, stop worrying about it. Doncha know I can fix it within a second?"
"No, but I guess you can ofcourse." At this point Red 13 had finally figured out
how to open his mouth again (Yuffie had glued it together with Cait Sith during Red's
daytime nap, and ever since he wasn't able to speak until now. Perhaps Yuffie also glued
Barret's and Cait's mouths, because they didn't say a word until now either!): "If
you are going to let me repair the whole place again, you're wrong. I will not do it
anymore, my appearance in your last fic was beneath my dignity, and-" "You don't
even have a dignity anymore, not since I became author!" "-although it doesn't
really exhaust me, it doesn't please me either." "So?" asked KuraBee
slightly irritated. "So let someone else do your filthy jobs! I quit!" he said,
and stalked away, possible to a dark corner to sulk in. He had been watching Vincent do it
for a long time, and I think it's contagious, because since that day Red ALSO sulked from
time to time. I may be crazy, but it's true, I swear it! C'mon guys,tell them it's
true." *tick... tock... tick... tock... tick... tock...* "Oh well, forget
it."
"Where were we?" asked Cloud, who really started to get tired of all this
distraction. "Hey, you made a triple-double-u sentence! Cool!" said Yuffie
happily as if something exciting had happened. (I sense a feeling of anger from you guys,
am I right? Why? Well, I keep writing absolute nonsense so maybe you guys felt irritated
by the fact that for some reason I can't keep my head on the (fictional) storyline
anymore... *looks around suspiciously* and maybe not...) "Jerry had a lot of stupid
stuff in it, according to you guys." "Yes. I mean, you used parts/ideas from
other writers again.." "Only Vincent, nothing else!" "nevertheless, it
sucked due to all the insane nonsense in it." "Now, can't you add one and one
together? I ALWAYS write nonsense, it's just what I do, and it's INTENDED! So either deal
with it or suffer in silence, I don't wanna hear any more of you." KuraBee was
definitely upset, because he really went red-faced while saying this. (Talk about
nonsense, a bee with a red face!) But, for the joy of me, it made a big impression, as the
team was very quiet all of a sudden. "Well then, shall we skip to your last fanfic
then?" said Tifa, really softly and a bit scared too. It was one of those
softly-scared mixes you get when someone has just been screaming of anger to you. Anyway,
KuraBee agreed, and so they skipped half of my fanfics (thank God) and went straight to my
last fic, which was my first fic in epical style.
"Let me just conclude all the weird parts, ok?" started Cloud whilst taking
another ery deep breath. "Red 13 was a magical repair-man, Barret only acted weird,
Rufus and his pops showed up together with Dark Nation, Heidegger and Scarlet, Yuffie
jumped through the ceiling making a terrible mess which no one cared about, but Red 13
repaired it again in 2 seconds, and after all that even more stuff happened. Can't you
see?" "See what?" asked the Bee. "You couldn't write a decent fanfic
if your life depended on it!" implied Cloud. "I don't care, it all depends on
what you think is decent." Nobody had an answer to that one (harhar!) so there was a
moment of silence, which was pleasant by the way. "Hey look, an eaten sandwich is
flying right at you!" said KuraBee to Cloud. "Whaaaa, help me, help me!
Aaaahhh!" he started running in circles and ran outside, while the rest was amazingly
startled by the fact that there actually was an eaten sandwich chasing Cloud.
"Shoot it, shoot it!" screamed Cloud while running back in. "Ahhhh..."
he screamed, while running outside again. everybody shrugged, and KuraBee started up the
conversation again: "I can only say one thing that might please you all, and that is
that Cid will no longer watch the Dukes." He wasn't really finished with what he was
planning to say, but the team -except Cid- was leaping from joy and making incredibly
happy sounds, which caused that KuraBee couldn't even hear himself think anymore!
(actually, it was Cloud who made the loudest noise, even while he was outside, but the
fact stays that there was so much noise it made it impossible for KuraBee to finish) After
a couple of minutes of joy and leaping the team took a break and was silent. "But
since I am running out of inspiration (I really am, sorry) this fic will come to an end
with the words 'Don't come to me with your complaints, I won't listen to them, and I will
keep writing senseless fanfics, with or without humor, in which you guys will probably be
tortured like hell' so there!"
The End
"I don't get it, is it over?" asked Cloud, who finally got rid of the sandwich.
"Yes, it is. Every item that hasn't been really finished will be done so in the next
fanfic, because then Chase will be able to give comments too! So forget it, I'm not
writing anything else now!" answered KuraBee. "Damn" was all that was
heard...
Oh my god, I actually made a second fanfic in epical style! Anyways, please tell me
what you think of my fics, and if YOU have comments, please tell them to me, I will
listen to those! Laters!
Written by Faruk KuraFire Ates! |
