A man comes in a bar and orders a beer. "One beer before the troubles start." He
gets his beer, and after a while he asks for another beer 'before the troubles start'.
After four beers the bartender asks him if he would be kind enough to pay. Man: "See,
the troubles start already!"
A man and a woman are married for 25 years, but the man doesn't pay attention to his wife
anymore. She decides to do something, and buys an expensive but nice smelling perfume and
lies on the bed at night wearing the perfume. The man comes in at night, says goodnight
and turns off the lights. The next day, she buys sexy lingerie and lies on the bed again
at night. The man comes in and says goodnight, then turnes off the lights again. The woman
thinks: "I WILL succeed!" and the next night, she lies totally naked on the bed.
The man comes in, looks at her, then says: "I don't know what you're wearing, but it
definitely needs to be ironed!"
A guy comes into the doctor's office. He sees a man in a white coat and says: "Hello,
i'm here for an examination." Asks the man in the white coat: "Do you have a
life insurance?" "Why? Am I dying??" "No, I never said that!"
"So there's something with my ears?" "No, you're seeing it wrong..."
"So my eyes aren't good anymore?" "Nonono, now calm down." "Is
there something wrong with my heart??" "NO! Would you just take a seat?"
"Why, aren't my legs sufficient anymore? Are you going to give me an examination or
not?!" "Perhaps the doctor will, I'm just the milkman!"
An Englishman comes in in a flag-store and asks for a green American flag. "Sorry, I
only have them in red-white and blue!" "Oh, give me a blue one then."
Pete runs into his friend Sam, and tells him he looks awful. "What did you expect, I
have to get up at 5 AM, work all day in the harbour, unloading ships until 6 PM."
"Wow, how long have you been doing that?" "I'm starting next monday."
Sarah is dying, and says to her husband Abe: "I don't mind if you get married again
later, but that woman may not wear my clothes!" "Ofcourse not, she's much taller
than you!"
Sam lies in the hospital, and a nurse comes in to take his temperature. "No, not in
my butt! Put it under my arm!" When he sees the thermometer sticking from under his
arm, he sees 'Made in Germany' on it. "Nurse! On second thought, you may put it in my
butt.
Jack comes in an Antique-store and asks: "Got anything new?"
A rooster named bill does a 100 chickens every morning, but now he thinks he won't be able
to come round anymore. Where it used to go like 'Prt, thank you madam, prt, thank you
madam' he now has more difficulty. The farmer buys a second rooster to help him. The two
roosters agree to start at the end of the line of chickens, each at their own side. Bill
starts on the right: "Prt, thank you madam, prt, thank you madam. The young rooster
looks how he's doing it, then starts too. "Thank'mem, thank'mem, thank'mem!" The
young one is going like mad. They are soon closing in on eachother. The young rooster:
"Thank'mem, thank'mem, thank'mem, sorry Bill, thank'mem, thank'mem..."
A faith healer comes from England to America, and stands in a full room with handicapped
people. He comes up and says: "Praise the lord, halleluya, let us pray!" He
walks to the microphone and asks a woman in the audience: "Hello, what's your
name?" "I'm miss Baker." "Miss Baker, what is your problem?"
"I have bad legs, and can only walk with crutches." "Ah, well, my assistant
will help you on the stage. Go stand behind that screen, I'll be with you in a
moment." He then walks to a man. "Sir, what is your name?" "My-n, my
name is-m, mr. Jo- mr. Johnson." "And what may be your problem?" "I
have a-sp, a speech impe-, impedim-, impediment." "Well mr Johnson, please stand
behind the screen with miss Baker." After the man stands behind the screen, the faith
healer shouts through the room: "Let us pray!!" Then, he shouts: "Miss
Baker, throw away your crutches!!" And boom, two crutches fly behind the screen.
"Mr. Johnson, SPEAK!!" "Ehh, could somebody help me for a second please,
miss Baker fell on the floor."
A deaf and a blind guy are in a concert. Asks the blind guy: "Are people dancing
yet?" Asks the deaf guy: "Why, have we started yet?"
A man enters a bar with a crocodile and places him on the counter. The bartender gets the
scare of his life. The guy says: "don't worry, he's completely harmless, and I'll
prove it!" He opens the croc's mouth, unzips and puts his 'stick' in the croc's
mouth. He then smacks the beast on its head, but nothing happens. "See, totally
harmless! Anybody in here who wants to try it too?" A little old lady stands up and
says: "I would, but don't hit my head that hard too!"
A man in a car comes to a gas station and asks the guy to fill up. The guy sees two
penguins on the back seat. He asks the driver what the hell he is doing with two penguins.
The driver wondered that too, but he couldn't figure out where to take them. "Take
them to the zoo!" says the guy from the gas station. The driver thanks him for the
good idea and drives off. The next day, the driver comes to the same gas station, with
the penguins on his back seat. "I thought you were going to take them to the
zoo?" asks the same guy from the day before. "I did, and we had a terrific day.
Today, I'm taking them to the beach!"
What can't one cow do, what two cows can do? -Walk behind eachother.
A guy comes to the gate of heaven (or hell!). He may choose between three doors. He opens
the first one, and flames are coming out immediately. He quickly closes that one. Second
door: ice and snow are constantly going about, terribly coold and horrible in there. He
closes it too. Then the third door. He now sees lots of people standing in the cow-shit,
which comes to their waists, drinking a cup of coffee. "Hmmm, not so bad!" he
thinks, and after a few minutes, he is standing there between the others too. Just as he
was going to take a sip of his coffee, a bell rings, and a voice says: "Ladies and
gentlemen, coffee-break is over now, please stand on your hands again."
James Blake goes to New York, and at the airport the customs officer says: "Hey,
mister Frank Sinatra!" James tells him that his name is James Blake. The cab driver
also thinks he is Frank Sinatra. "My name is James Blake, I am not Frank
Sinatra!." In his hotel, several people recognise him as Frank Sinatra too, and James
keeps telling everybody his name isn't Frank Sinatra. He finally reaches his room, and
then a beautiful girl is lying on his bed and says: "Hey, Frank!!" James:
"I uh, my uh... (sings) Strangers in the night!"
A married couple s in the zoo, looking at a huge gorilla in a cage. Suddenly, the gorilla
grabs the woman, pulls her into the cage and takes off all her clothes. The woman shouts:
"Herman, Herman, what should I do??" The man shouts back: "Just tell him
you got a headache!"
A couple are shopping. They walk past a jewel-shop. The woman sees an enourmous ring with
a huge diamant on it in the window. "Oh, look at that ring, it's beautiful!" She
says. "Do you like it?" asks the man. "Yes, yes. It's really
beuatiful!" "Do you really love it?" He asks. "Yes, yes, yesy. It's
just SO beautiful..." "Well then, let's look at it again tomorrow!"
An English Lord calls from a pub, completely drunk, and gets the butler on the line.
"James, it's your lord. Please tell my wife that I'll be home a little bit later than
planned." "Well, M'lord, your wife is in bed with another man..."
"What?! Take my gun and shoot them both, I'll be waiting at the line!" After
it's done, James comes back on the phone and asks: "What should I do with the
bodies?" "Just throw them in the pool!" "But sir, we don't even have a
pool!" "Oh, sorry, I dialed the wrong number then."
A movie is made about a pirate, and the director is doing a screening test. Every minute
some guys come in with a wooden leg, a hook on their arm and an eyepatch. He asks to one
of them how he got the wooden leg. "I tried to step over onto another ship, but my
leg got stuck between the two boats: byebye leg." The director then asks him about
the hook. "I was sword fighting when looked the other way for a second, and then my
enemy cut off my arm." Then the director asks him about his eyepatch. "Ah,
that's a completely different story: I got a bird-dropping straight in my eye."
"And you immediately had to miss your eye for that??" "No, but it was just
after I got that hook..."
A Dutch guy comes in a bar and says: "Drinks are on mine!!" The bartender
corrects him: "No, the drinks are on me!" On which the dutch guy replies:
"Ah, even better!"
A guy calls his friend's house, but gets his smallest child on the line. "Can I speak
to your daddy please?" he asks. "Daddy is busy at the moment." "Oh,
can I speak to mommy then?" "Mommy is also busy at the moment." "Well
then, may I speak to your oldest sister please?" "She's also busy." He then
asks what everyone is doing, on which the child says: "They are searching for
me!"
A guy comes to a barbershop with an enourmos head of hair, and wants it completely cut
off. The barber begins, and after an hour he asks the guy: "Have you been in the
army?" The guy: "Yes, how do you know?" Barber: "I just found your
beret!"
How do you call a boomerang that doesn't return? A piece of wood.
Two fdortune-tellers run into eachother on the street, says one of them to the other:
"You look a lot better than next week!"
Pete comes out of the bar, and is quite drunk. He decides to take a shorter route across
the cemetery. He climbs a bit clumsy over the fence, walks against a tombstone and falls
into a dug up, empty grave. He's so drunk he can't climb out, and starts screaming for
help: "Help me, I'm so cold! Help me!" The cemetery-keeper hears the screaming,
and goes to take a look. Pete screams again: "Help me, I'm freezing out here!"
The keeper takes a look at him and says: "No wonder you're so cold, they stole your
coffin!"
A man sits on the riverbank with a bucket of worms, and a hammer. A passer-by asks him
what he's doing. "I'm fishing," is the answer. "Fishing? With a
hammer?" he asks incredulous. "Yes." "Well then, how?" he asks
again. "For 10$ I'll show you." The man decides to pay him, so the guy
explaines: "I throw the worms in the water, and when the fish come up I smack them
with the hammer!" "Wow, and do you catch much this way?" "Oh, about 60
- 70$ a day!"
A guy owns a cafe, and it is visited by the Deaf-and-dumb-society for years now. He
invites them to come again next weekend, and they agree. On wednesday, he's called to come
to the wedding of his sister. He asks his closest friend to take over for him, and
instructs him a bit. "When they raise one finger, the want a drink without alcohol.
When they raise five fingers, they want a beer with alcohol. That's the only thing
they drink." So the guy goes to the wedding, and his friend runs the cafe. He
provides the whole group with drinks, and after an hour, they all sit with their mouths
open. "Shit, what should I do?" thinks the guy. He decides to make them all
hotdogs, so he throws 100 hotdogs in the deep-frying pan and makes them all hotdogs. After
they've eaten the hotdogs, they sit with their mouths wide open again. He now calls his
friend to ask him what to do. "Oh, I forgot to tell you. When they sit like that,
they're singin the national anthem."
A Chief executive walks with Bill Clinton around town, and they walk into John, an
employee of the chief. Bill sees him, and says: "Hey John, how are you?!" The
chief can't believe his eyes. the next day the chief is walking with Oprah around town
again, and they run into John again. Says Oprah: "Hi John, long time no see!"
Later that day the chief asks John how it is possible that he knows both Bill Clinton and
Oprah Winfrey. "Oh, I know the pope too." The chief immediately takes John to
Rome, and on the Vatican square John tells the chief to wait there. "Stay here, and
I'll show up on that balcony with the pope in a few minutes." And yes, he stands
there, with the pope, on the balcony. John comes back after a couple more minutes, and
asks the chief if he saw him. The chief: "Even more. I'm standing next to two
Japanese guys, says one to the other: 'Who's the man in the white dress standing next to
John?'"
A magician performs on a ship, and on the side of the stage is a parrot in a cage. After
each trick the parrot betrays the trick to the people. "It's up your sleave! It's in
your pocket!" The ship runs into a large rock and sinks. The next morning the
magician and the parrot float over the see on a raft. The parrot: "Ok, I give up.
Where did you leave the ship?"
A man is in a theatre, and is heavily moaning. After a few complaints the owner goes to
the man and asks him to stop moaning. The man promises to try. After an hour the man is
still moaning. the owner tells him to stop it, or he'll call the police. The man keeps
moaning, and so the owner calls the police. The officer goes to the man and asks for his
name. "Hnggnnngg..Jack Peterson...hngg!" Officer: "And where are you coming
from, mr. Peterson?" "From the balcony."
Two nutcases are sitting on a couch. One finds a mirror and looks in it. "Hey, I know
that guy!" The other one takes the mirror from him and looks into it too.
"Ofcourse you know him, he's me!"
A man gets in the train and sees a dinosaur sitting in front of him. Complete amazed he
stares at him. Says the dino: "What're you looking at man, am I wearing something of
you or what?" Man: "No, I just never saw a dinosaur in the train!" The
dino: "You probably never will anymore too, as they got my bike fixed tomorrow."
A guy is at a busstop and gets in a conversation with a woman. He says: "I am
supernaturally gifted, in a minute the bus will get here, it'll hit the bus stop, and
everybody near it will get hurt." The woman doesn't really believe him, but she goes
to the other side of the road anyway. And after a minute the bus comes, gets into a skid
and hits the bus stop. The woman: "Oh my, I love it! Fantastic! I want to learn that
too!!" The man says that that's possible, but she has to come to his house for that.
They go to his house, and then he says: "Go stand over there, and take your blouse
off." She does that, and after she also took her pants off, he says: "And now
your bra and panties too..." She does that and says: "And now you're gonna screw
me huh?" The guy says: "Ahh, you're already beginning to learn it!"
A blind man with a guide-dog comes into a superstore, and all of a sudden he grabs the dog
and starts swinging it around above his head. A policeman comes to him and asks angry what
the hell he is doing, on which the guy answers: "But officer, I'm only looking around
a bit!"
A man is very fond of beanes and tomato-saus, but he gets 'a lot of gas' from it. One day
he is getting married and decides not to eat it anymore, for his wife. After four years of
success he walks by a restaurant and smells his favorite food. He can't stand it and
decides to eat one small meal. His intestines start to act up immediately, but he has to
smother it for his wife's sake. He gets home, and his wife tells him that she has got a
special surprise for him at dinner, but he has to be blindfolded first. She leads him
blindfolded to the table, and then the phone rings, so his wife leaves for a short while.
He uses this while to 'let a few go' and when his wife comes back she asks him if he
didn't peek in the meantime. He assures her he didn't, and when she takes off his
blindfold he sees 12 other people sitting at the table...
A man is walking by the river and sees a tourist drinking water with his hand from the
river. He runs over to him and says: "Don't do that, it's polluted like hell!!"
The tourist: "Was sagen Sie?" "Sie müssen mit zwei Händen trinken!"
Three farmers are sitting near the road, and are bragging. The first one: "Guys, I
got a chicken, she lays an egg, puts it in a box, and when the box is full she places them
at a pile of boxes!" The second one: "That's nothing, I got a cow that milks
herself, cleans all the milk, and brings it to me in the cans too!" The third one:
"That's nothing! I got a pig, she does all the housework, and I even married her
too!"
A man comes to the doctor with a strange complaint. The doctor examines him and concludes
right away that he has a very new and special desease, one of which they haven't even
found a name for. The doctor: "It's an awful desease, and it's highly contagious, you
will be placed in very strict quarantine and are put on a pancakes and baked plaice!"
"Why pancakes and baked plaice?" asks the guy. "It's the only thing we can
shove underneath the door."
A man comes to the doctor with a complaint that he feels that everybody is ignoring him.
The doctor: "Next patient please!"
Bill Clinton is jogging in the moring with his bodyguards. He says: "Man! If I get
home in a minute I'm gonna rip Hillary's tights apart!" Bodyguard: "Wow, are you
that hot Bill?" Bill: "No, they're that tight!"
It's the new schoolyear, and the female teacher asks everyone to introduce themselves and
say a little something about themselves. "My name is mary, I live in Oakstreet!"
"My name is Anna, and I'm living with my dad alone." Casey gets up and says:
"I'm Casey, and mine's a feet long!" The teacher says very angry to him that he
will haev to stay after school, on which Casey answers: "I thought you'd say
that!"
A man comes to the Canadian border and asks the officer if he can emigrate into Canada.
The officer says that it's possible, but he'll have to work. He ask him if he had worked
before. "Yes, I'm a woodcutter." "Ah, and where exactly were you a
woodcutter?" "In the desert." The officer is amazed, and asks him:
"the desert? But there aren't any trees there!" Says the guy: "Not
anymore."
A man rings the doorbell at a farm, and asks the farmer if his sheep smoke cigars.
"My sheep? No, they don't smoke!" The man: "Well sir, then your barn is on
fire."
A man goes to church and ask the father if they play soccer in heaven too. The father:
"I can't tell you yet my son, I will get the new brochures next week. Come back next
week, and I'll give you the answer." So the man comes back, and the father says:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, they do play soccer in heaven.
The bad news is, you're appointed to be captain team next week.
A man comes home a bit earlier than usual, and finds his wife on the bed, totally naked
and breathing and sighing. He asks her what's the matter, and she says: "I think I'm
having a heart-attack!" The guy runs down and starts to call the emergency line, when
his little son comes down with a pale face. He asks him what happened. "Oh daddy, I
was so scared, there's a naked man in the bedroom closet upstairs!" The guy runs
upstairs again, and finds his best friend Pete in the closet. "Pete what the hell are
you doing?! My wife is having a heart-attack on the bed and you're scaring the
kids!?!?!"
A guy comes in a bar and orders 20 beers. The bartender gives him 20 beers and the guy
drinks all of them. Then he orders 10 beers, and drinks them all again. After that,he
orders 5, and drinks them. then he says: "I don't get it, the less I drink the
drunker I get!"
A man comes out of a bar and drives home. On the way home he gets pulled over by a
police-car. The officer asks him kindly to blow the little bag-pipe-thingie. the guy says:
"I can't, I've got asthma, if I blow I can breathe for an hour!" The officer:
"Well, would you please come with us to the station please, for a little blood
test?" The guy: "I can't, I've got this strange thing with my blood. If you
pinch me I'll run totally empty of blood!" The officer: "Well then, please step
out of the car and walk across that white line please." Man: "I can't."
Officer: "Why not?" Man: "Because I'm drunk as hell!"
An old couple of 94 and 84 is having a little celebration. The older woman asks: "Oh
honey, would you do something for me?" He says: "Sure..." She says:
"Oh never mind, you're so forgetting these days..." "No really, tell
me!" "Oh alright! Please get me a little box of frozen yoghurt." He asks:
"What kind?" "Vanilla and chocolate please." He gets ready, and when
he's about to go she asks him again to make sure he hasn't forgotten. "What was it
again?" "Vanilla and chocolate!" She smiles contently. After about half an
hour later he returns with two bags of french fries. The woman: "See, you forgot the
mayonnaise!"
A cowboy rides his horse, and sees another cowboy lying on the ground with his hand to his
ear. He asks him what's the matter. "A post carriage: four grey horses, three white
and one brown..." The first cowboy is amazed. "You can tell that just by
listening?!" The other one: "No, they just drove over me..."
A man drinks four beers every single day in a bar. One day the bartenden asks him why he
does that. "Well, my three brothers live outside the country, and I drink a beer to
us four every day." One day he only orders three, and the bartender asks: "Oh
my, there isn't anything wrong with one of your brothers, is there?" "No, but
the doctor doesn't want me to drink anymore."
A guy works as the mailman in an office complex. One day he arrives in a very expensive
Jaguar with gold bumpers. The boss' secretary sees this and tells her boss. He says he'll
have a chat with him, so he goes to the guy and asks him: "So my boy, where'd you get
that car. Probably not very legal right? It's a very expensive car.." the guy says:
"Oh no, it's perfectly legal. I just bet a lot with with everyone here, so that's how
I got the money." "Ohh, you bet huh? Would you bet with me?" The guy:
"Sure. I bet for $10000 that on 1200 hours you will have a wart on your butt."
The boss thinks that it's impossible, so he takes the bet. At 1200 hours the guy enters
the boss' office, and the boss drops his pants to show his butt. "See, no wart! I won
$10000!!!" The guy says: "Wait, not so fast, I can't see very well. Would you
please stand here by the window so I can see?" The boss does so, and then he asks:
"Do you see it? No wart! I won $10000!" The guy: That may be true, but I bet
with 300 guys in here for $20000 that I would get the boss in front of the window, showing
his butt!"
A plane is filled with people. Suddenly they hear a voice from the speakers: "If you
would be so kind, to look at your right, you'll see the Atlantic Ocean, and also the right
engine on fire. If you would look at your left, you will again see the Atlantic, and that
also the left engine is on fire. If you could look down, you would see a little rubber
boat in the Atlantic, with the crew of this plane in it. This was a
recording." *click*
A man is trained for espionage, and when his training is completed he gets an assignment
at Jeruzalem, he will have to meet special agent Johnson on Flower road, number 3. The
secret password is: 'Roses are red'. He gets on the plane, and in Jeruzalem he takes a cab
to Flower road. He gets to house number 3, but he sees two appartments, and in each of
them lives a guy named Johnson. It's a 50-50 percent chance, and he rings the doorbell. He
say "Roses are red" on which the guy says: "Oh, you're at the wrong place.
You are looking for Johnson, the spy, he's right above."
A guy says to his girlfriend one day he wants her to castrate him. She is completely
surprised, but he says that he really wants it. His friend did it too, and he said that
it's great letting your girlfriend do it. After a few days of whining his girlfirends says
ok, but first she gets advice from a doctor ofcourse. The next day she castrates him. A
week later he runs into that friend, who asks him: "Hey, did you let your girl
masturbate you like I said?" The guy: "Aww, you and your difficult words!"
(MORE TO COME!)
