- Get to know a friends bookie and place bets for them. Insist on keeping half of any
money they win.
- Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public.
- Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as
"Coach."
- Drum on every available surface.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers together in the middle of the page.
- Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Insist on giving weather forecasts in public. Claim to be AMS certified.
- Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3AM "to discuss old times".
- Insist on buying airplane tickets for friends to "save them money." Make sure
the plane departs at 5AM and the tickets are non-refundable.
Point out that you didn't really save them any money.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
- Set alarms for random times.
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of
"Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
- Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly
adjusted.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Safety Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Wear your pants backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the
cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with "Oh la la!"
- Rouse your roommate/spouse from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine
Music".
- Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- only type in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation
- TyPe In UpPeRCaSe AnD lOwErcAse aT tHe sAMe tIme aNd dOnT uSe pUNctuAtIoN
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
- Write "X - Buried Treasure" in random spots on roadmaps.
- Explain to everyone you meet of your Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy
theories.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells..." until
physically restrained.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
- Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly
done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
- Why walk when you can drive that half a block?
- Name your dog "Dog".
- Name your cat "Dog" or "rabbit" to confuse people.
- When typing, 'accidentally' place an "i" between each letter, and say that it
is your keyboard that is malfunctioning. (i.e. Tiyipie eivieiriyitihiiinig liiikie
tihiiis.)
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real
hoot".
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to
fall off "in case the big one comes".
- Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as the Mr
Rogers theme song.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
- Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone
book.
Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid
the appearance of ignorance.
- Wear a lot of cologne.
- Ask people if you may "interface" with them.
- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because
of your "superior mental processing".
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy".
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
- Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see the "magic picture".
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with
the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye contact.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
- Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.
- Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
- Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
- Make appointments for the 31st of September.
- Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
- When asked to do things, repeat the instructions to the body parts involved. (ie.
"Hand, will you please open the door.")
- When people ask you to do things, mutter under your breath, "This won't be
neccessary where you are going."
- Wait until you get to work to shave.
- Tell small children that they don't look very promising.
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to
keep them tuned up."
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your
boss.
- Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way."
THE FOLLOWING ARE TAKEN FROM "LIFE'S LITTLE DESTRUCTION BOOK" BY CHARLES
SHERWOOD DANE!
- Take the hotel towel
- Pay tolls with $100 bills
- Practice the art of limp handshakes
- Tell the ending of movies
- Give little kids clothes for their birthdays
- Leave the toilet seat up
- Take more than 7 items to the express checkout lane
- Turn on your bright for oncoming traffic
- Finish other people's crossword puzzles
- Use the last square of toilet paper
- Tailgate the elderly
- Drum your fingers during other people's presentations
- Blow out other people's birthday candles
- Don't leave a message at the beep
- Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the parking lot
- Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways
- Eat produce at the market; don't buy it
- When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
- Toss things out the window: tissues, cigarettes, cellophane food wrappings and those
sorts of things
- Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April
- Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures
- See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by the window
- Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel
reservations
- Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
- Go up the down escalator
- Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
- Snap your gum
- Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you're at it, leave the cap off
- Open umbrellas in crowded hallways
- Announce when you're going to the bathroom
- Read over other people's shoulders on the bus
- Park in the Reserved Parking spots
- Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one you want
- Leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower
- Chew other people's pencils
- Lie to your therapist and sit in her chair
- Let doors slam behind you -- in other people's faces
- Tell teenagers how things were in your day
- Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation
- Pee in the swimming pool
- Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in
- Wear large hats during the movies
- Forget the pooper scooper
- Race the old woman for the last bus seat
- Cause gridlock
- Bring 15 things into the dressing room
- Draw mustaches on posters
- Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back
- Serve TV dinners, wine coolers, and cherry Twinkies on Thanksgiving
- Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you
- Touch strangers
- Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus
- Bite your dentist's finger
- Fart in cramped places
- Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads
- Don't stand during hymns and anthems
- Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa
- Rubberneck
- Leave pages in the copier
- Be "in conference" all the time
- Don't clean the dryer lint screen
- Buy it, wear it, return it
- Tell people they have bad breath
- Smell smoke often and announce it
- Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet
- Put everyone on speakerphone
- Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you
- Rain on someone's parade
- Make scary faces at babies
- Flirt with a friend's spouse
- Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team
- Pretend you're listening
- Shake with your left hand
These annoying things come mostly from Andy
Bauch's Page Of Funny Stuff, and are submitted by several people. As they haven't
included their names there is no copyright on it. If you want to use any of these, feel
free to do so. Just don't claim them to be yours, that is all we ask. Thank you.
Everything on this page is copyright © 1999 by Faruk
Ates. All rights reserved.
That means: please don't take my work without asking! Revised: 11 apr 1999. |
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